Group Life Conference 2008

Grace Chapel in Lexington hosted (via satellite) the Group Life Conference from Willow Creek Community Church in Chicago.

There are a host of resources that have emerged from this conference...

Group Life Resources

Engaging Conflict in Small Groups

A look at the deeper issues underlying personality clashes.
by Mark Bonham

Sooner or later, every small group will experience conflict. In some groups, conflict will become evident from the first meeting. In others, great pain is taken to avoid conflict. The members maneuver around it and make it clear that "we don't do conflict here." But the ways we behave in a small group reflect how we will behave outside of it, and handling conflict well in our group can lead to better ways of dealing with the uncomfortable issues people face every day.

A Case Study
Mary and Jim are group members. Mary sees herself as a "truth-speaker." She is perceptive and reads people like a map. She is always aware of the "temperature" of her small group. She listens to what is said and has an ability to hear what isn't being said—and she is more curious about the later. Her greatest desire is for authenticity and honesty.

Everybody sees Jim as a "grace-giver." He is trusting and takes people at face value. He values peace, and patience is one of his greatest virtues. He is affirming and very sensitive to the shame in others. His overriding desire for the group is that it feels safe, loving, and supportive.

Mary and Jim, to one degree or another, are in every group. Every group needs what they offer. But before Mary and Jim can offer what is best in them, they will have to face the inevitable conflict that their styles of relating will create.

Behind every conflict is a story that goes far deeper than the presenting clash. Jim grew up in a home with a dominating, angry mother. His father would work hard all day and come home to a wife who would dump her frustrations on him. Jim felt sorry for his father and felt contempt for his mother. She was not the virtuous "Proverbs 31" woman he heard about in church. But his father never complained. He was "longsuffering." Jim sometimes wished his father would step up and confront his mother, but he felt pretty sure his father would lose that battle.

Mary grew up in a home that had lots of secrets. No one talked about dad's alcoholism. No one dared ruffle dad's feathers when he came home, even though the tension was so thick you could cut it with a knife. When Mary was sexually abused by her father, and later by her brother, her mother had a lock installed on Mary's door but never talked about what happened. Mary sat behind her locked door angrier with her mother than with her abusers. Secrets and silence became the enemies that Mary vowed to fight.

Now, Mary and Jim find themselves in the same small group. It doesn't take long for a perceptive Mary to pigeonhole Jim as a weak wimp who is more comfortable with the appearance of harmony than the guts to be honest. And, hard as it is for Jim to admit, Mary's pursuit of people feels dangerous and makes him want to avoid her at all costs.

In group, Mary is frustrated every time Jim seems to dismiss someone's struggles with a verse from the Bible and an offer to pray. Conversely, Jim feels that Mary plows right into areas of shame with little sensitivity. Sometimes it seems that Mary's outrage over injustice is stronger than anyone else's. Jim feels that he must counter her impact by soothing the group.

Unless this conflict is addressed, it will further propagate the dysfunction that both Jim and Mary felt in their families growing up. The group will not be strong enough to bear "truth-speaking," and it will feel that its "grace-giving" is patronizing. The safe, loving, honest, and authentic community will be lost.

A New Perspective
Conflict should not be viewed as a problem that threatens to destroy your group, but as an opportunity to grow the group. It is the unacknowledged and unaddressed conflict that is dangerous. Conflict that is entered into and resolved leads to deeper intimacy, whether in a group, in a marriage, between any two individuals, or with God.

As you think about addressing a conflict, ask yourself how to engage the issue while still valuing the opinions, observations, and feelings of each member. Remember also that, because the enemy of our souls delights in continued division, engaging in conflict resolution is warfare against him. So prayer is a crucial weapon. Ask for receptive hearts, listening ears, and a resolve to strengthen the unity of the group by honestly facing the issues at hand.

Depending on the severity of the conflict and who is involved, you may need an outside person to facilitate a resolution. If so, you will want to make that person's role clear—to facilitate and mediate the resolution process, not to resolve the conflict themselves.

A Practical Method
So how does a group enter into conflict for the good of its members? Here are a few simple steps to work through:

The group leader should define the conflict as he/she recalls it. "Our conflict is about the differences between Jim's way and Mary's way of engaging the group and the tension that we and they are experiencing as a result."


Ask the group members if the conflict has been defined correctly as they recall it. Go around the circle and give each person an opportunity to respond. Some will have something to say; others may simply nod their head in agreement.


Ask, "How has this conflict felt to you?" Or, "What has been stirred up in you as the conflict has become evident?" The purpose here is to give each group member an opportunity to acknowledge and express their feelings. There is no right or wrong answer here. Silence or withholding does not support the conflict resolution process, so encourage everyone to speak.


Invite group members to ask questions of any other group member for clarity. Be careful to make sure that one person does not dominate this time so that the process begins to lose momentum for the others.


Ask each person: "What were you hoping would happen in this meeting?" "What did you want for yourself?" "What did you want for Jim, Mary, or the group?"


Ask each person what needs to happen for them to feel that this is a safe and healthy group again. What a member may express may not necessarily be something the group can guarantee (e.g. that the conflict will never happen again). The leader's role is to make sure all have been heard and to stay engaged in the process for the sake of the group. Allowing the process to stall or wander will make the group feel unsafe and lose trust.


Ask each person, "Can you recommit to this group?" If someone says "no," go back to points 3 and 4 and try again. Typically a group will want to get going again and not remain stalled.


This process relies on the integrity of the group to call one another out. At its best, it is a way for the body of Christ to minister to each other. Here are some questions for a leader to keep in mind during this process:

Did the people in the conflict hear one another accurately? It is often helpful to ask Jim what he heard Mary say. Then ask Mary, "Did Jim hear you accurately?" Reverse the process, asking Mary what she heard Jim say. Many conflicts escalate due to faulty perceptions as communication passes through each participant's emotional filter.


Did each person take ownership of what they perceived to be their part in the conflict? If your group is at a stage where you can go deeper, these discipleship questions can lead to real change: 1) Is this a pattern in my life? 2) How does this pattern in my life affect those in relationship with me? 3) How do I feel about the way I impact others? 4) Who or what does this situation remind me of?


Has any group boundary been broken? If so, is this something (or is there something else) we need to need to talk about now or later?


When you notice a conflict is occurring, be ready to pull out this list and walk through it. Believe me, your group will be grateful for you and your courage. Many of your group members live daily with chaos and conflict that never gets resolved, so your willingness to enter into conflict is a real gift to them!

—Mark Bonham; copyright © 2008 by the author and Christianity Today International.

Is your group on track?

Set aside 15 minutes to answer these questions relevant to you and your group.

To start your conversation about whether there’s progress toward grace and truth (over time) in the group, decide how true the following statements are.

Place an x on the continuums where you would rate the following statements:

Group members share emotions/feelings
More true----------------------------------Less True

I think this group is a safe place
More true----------------------------------Less True

People listen to others in the group
More true----------------------------------Less True

Group members can share difficult things about their lives
More true----------------------------------Less True

People are free to express their opinions and do so
More true----------------------------------Less True

God’s truth is being revealed in the group.
More true----------------------------------Less True

Together, identify the area that is your gorup’s biggest strength and the area in which you’d like to see the group grow.

Review the group’s purpose:
*Is everyone comfortable with the direction the
group is going? Why or why not?

*Is there anything that we need to change?

from ReGroup by Townsend, Cloud, and Donahue

Asking inter-active questions

Eric Metcalf highlights the challenge of keeping our small group discussions interactive. The worst way to do this is to ask closed ended questions (which are usually informational). The best way to do this is to ask open ended questions. Here are some sample questions...

Here are some generic examples of good open-ended questions that can be asked in almost any discussion to help keep it going, and to challenge your group members to dig beyond the surface.

*What do you think the author was feeling when he/she wrote that?

*Why do you think God chose to include that, of everything else, in his Word that would be passed on forever?

*So what does that have to do with me today?

*What's your first response when you read that?

*How do you think your non-Christian neighbors would respond to that?

*What can you do differently in your life this week to apply this?

*What would you say to someone who disagrees with this?

Eric Metcalf is the Adult Ministry Champion for Community Christian Church and NewThing.
Community Christian Church and the NewThing Network, © 2008.

Read the entire article at

http://www.christianitytoday.com/smallgroups/articles/getyourgroupengaged.html

Any comments on this?

When to leave a small group

Portion of an article by Sam O'Neal

There's no straight answer, of course. But there are some common symptoms I've observed in my own life, and in the lives of others. Here are a few of the main ones:

You bring a negative attitude to the group. I would often pour out my frustrations to the rest of the group during our prayer and fellowship times. I wouldn't complain about the group situation, necessarily, but would instead gripe about my commute to work, our inability to purchase a home close to the church, our frustrations as new parents, etc. I knew things had gotten a little out of hand when my wife began to scold me after meetings for being "morose."

You continually "misfire" in your responsibilities within the group. Things like forgetting to answer homework questions, not following through on promises to pray for people, forgetting to bring snacks, and so on are all signs that you are mentally and emotionally detached from the group, if not physically.

You regularly fail to attend group meetings. This is physical detachment. If the group has become low enough on your priority list that you are unable to consistently attend, it's probably time to move on.

You've identified a clear alternative. Like Randy Frazee and his neighbor's community gatherings, sometimes there is a specific activity or opportunity that you find yourself thinking about often. "If I didn't have to go to small group, I could … ." Now, I'm not talking about a television show you'd like to watch, or more time spent at work. I'm talking about a different way to slake your inborn need for community.

You just know. Small groups are cyclical—they all have a pattern of birth, life, growth, decline, and death. The same thing is true for individual involvement in a small group, and sometimes you just know that the time has come to try something else.

In lieu of a conclusion, let me again emphasize that leaving a small group should not be your first response to difficulty, conflict, or any kind of stress within your group. It should not be your second response, or fifth. Any decision to walk away from a supportive community of Christians should be a last resort—a final option.

But sometimes we need to be reminded that it is an option. And if your small group has become something life-draining instead of life-giving, it's an option you may need to consider.

Read the whole article by Sam O'Neal
http://www.christianitytoday.com/smallgroups/articles/whenisasganothermeeting.html

Understanding Conflict in Small Groups

Understanding Conflict in Small Groups

Practical information that will help you prepare for that inevitable clash.

by Abigail Johnson

Depending on how conflict was dealt with in our families—and depending on our own conflict style—we may be more or less comfortable with this area of small-group life. Personally, I assume that conflict is a normal part of all human interactions. Nonetheless, some types of conflictive behavior are easier to deal with than others.

When interacting with my family, I prefer a forthright sharing of feelings and thoughts with all parties committed to finding a solution. I do not like name-calling, temper tantrums, and shouting. But other family members like to have a good fight with lots of theatrics, floods of tears (called "a good cry"), and a cathartic act of making up to round everything off. As a family, we have learned how to deal with the differences in our conflict behaviors and styles, although this learning is an ongoing process.

In a small group, each person brings his or her own conflict styles and preferences from a unique family background. Some people prefer peace at any cost, so their style may be avoidance. Some people have a more persuasive style and feel compelled to convert others to their point of view. Others with an assertive style simply like to wade into an argument and get excited when a discussion heats up.

That's why it's vital to talk about how the group would like to deal with conflict when setting up a covenant in the first gatherings.

Levels of Conflict
In her book How to Mobilize Church Volunteers, Marlene Wilson suggests a helpful approach to conflict within groups and congregations. She highlights four levels of conflict and how they may be addressed.

• A first level of conflict is informational. People do not have the same information, and a simple exchange of facts and sharing of conflicting viewpoints is sufficient to clear up any misunderstanding.


• A second level of conflict occurs when people disagree about how things are to be done. Brainstorming or problem solving is a good approach that encourages input on how the group might proceed.


• At the third level of conflict, differences are evident in why we do things the way we do. This level needs more attention and may require a time apart for deeper discussion, or an outside mediator.


• At the fourth level of conflict, dearly held ideals, beliefs, and values are in opposition. This can be the most difficult area of disagreement and requires finding common ground before proceeding.

Addressing Conflict
In my experience, small groups dedicated to theological reflection rarely get to levels three and four because the reasons for members' involvement in the group—and the underlying assumptions about the group and its processes—are clearly laid out at the beginning. Certainly a variety of theological viewpoints will be represented, so encouraging an environment of respectful sharing that assumes theological differences does increase the possibility of fourth-level conflict.

But groups typically get bogged down in Level 1 and Level 2 conflict. Level 1 is easily addressed by clarifying information. But Level 2 needs a little more attention. Here's an example of Level 2 conflict at work:

Stella had become very frustrated because she thought another member of the group, Alex, needed to claim a lot of the group's attention. When Stella finally expressed her views, because she felt that Alex was getting in the way of group discussion, Alex was understandably upset. He wanted to know whether others felt the same way. Feedback from others indicated that they had observed a similar pattern in Alex but had not reacted as strongly as Stella had.

After hearing the feedback, Alex wanted time to think things through, so the group agreed to come back to the matter at the next meeting. When the group met again, Alex apologized for monopolizing group time and energy and said he wanted to try to be more attentive to his interaction in the group. Stella also apologized for hurting Alex but added that she thought that for the life of the group, she had to name her feelings. Once Alex and Stella had spoken, group members decided they did not want to discuss the issue further and wanted to move on with the theological reflection.

Nothing more was said in the group about the matter. Alex indeed became more sensitive about how he used group time, and Stella was pleased that there was improvement, but learned to let go of her frustration with Alex.

Finding Help
Learning to live with our differences is a reality of family and community living. Usually, a facilitator mediates discussion to find a common ground of understanding, or simply to help people agree to disagree. However, in extreme cases, if conflict moves to another level and differences become too intense and beyond the skill of the facilitator to resolve, then an outside mediator can be helpful in working through the issues.

A wise and trusted person who is experienced in conflict mediation and comfortable with group processes is ideal. In my experience, an outside mediator is rarely needed, but being prepared for this possibility can make it easier for us to deal with whatever might happen. If you are a new facilitator, consider finding someone with whom you can check in about the progress of group life and about facilitation issues that come up. Because I am a teacher, my students often ask me questions about different group dynamics that arise in their ministry placements. Thinking through various possibilities is helpful preparation but cannot cover all the issues that spontaneously arise. Facilitation is a spontaneous art, and being able to respond in the moment and being creative on the spot are important skills.

Group facilitation is similar to jazz improvisation in that it is a spontaneous, creative process, drawing on life experience and personal and interpersonal dynamics to respond and create something new within the moment. Facilitators do not need a briefcase full of right answers as much as they need the creativity to respond to a variety of situations. Later, there will be time to reflect theologically on what took place, and in that reflection, greater wisdom will emerge.

For many of us, conflict is not a comfortable aspect of group life. However, conflict is a normal part of human interaction. In small-group life, we have an opportunity to respond to God's call to faithful living. As Christians, we are called to love one another—not just our friends or those people we get along with, but all people. Loving one another does not mean sentimental love that tolerates all behavior. It does mean being authentically in community, respectfully offering and receiving different points of view and ways of being.

—Abigail Johnson; excerpted from Reflecting with God: Connecting Faith and Daily Life in Small Groups, © 2004 by the Alban Institute.

Getting in and living out the Bible

When studying a passage of the Bible, there are three basic questions your group must always address:

What does this passage say? This is the act of Observation. Read the passage through, asking: What does this passage seem to be saying? What is the author saying? Who wrote this passage? Who was he writing to? Why was he writing?

What does this passage mean? This is the act of Interpretation. Take each passage in chunks of phrases, sentences, or paragraphs. As you look at it, answer the question: What did the author intend for this to mean? Try to paraphrase the answer into your own words.

How can we apply this passage to our lives? This is the act of Application. Interpretation without application leads to spiritual abortion, but interpretation with application leads to transformation. Try to make sure that every member of the group can finish this sentence: "Based on what this says, I should_________." People's responses may include a sin to confess, a promise to claim, an example to follow, an encouragement to accept, or a command to keep.

Bible Discussion Basics

Good leaders always help the members of their group discover biblical truths by themselves. Good leaders do this by facilitating a discussion rather than preaching a sermon.

There are four major types of questions to aid this process:

Introducing the discussion. Learn to ask questions that lead into the Scripture or topic of study and "break the ice" between members. For example, during a discussion on the Ten Commandments, you could ask:
Who laid down the law in your family?
Why do parents make rules?
Which rule did you like the least?
Which family member tried to get around the rules? How?
What were the consequences of breaking the rules?

Guiding the discussion. The point of these questions is to dig deeper into the passage. Some examples would be:
What did you feel as you read these words?
Why do you think God put this passage in the Bible?
Who will paraphrase this passage in their own words?
Who else would like to comment on that?
During this time, you may need to help the group get back on track. If your group starts chasing rabbits, say something like, "That's very interesting, but we're off topic. Let's get back to the passage."

Summarizing the discussion. One of the most important roles of a group leader is summarizing the discussion so that the group will be able to apply it at a later date. You may ask the group questions like, "We have been having a very good discussion. Who will try to summarize the main things we are learning (or we have said) in just one or two sentences?" Another way to help the group summarize is to ask, "If a stranger rang the door bell and asked you what our group discussed tonight, what would you say?" Then keep the discussion going by asking, "Who else? Would you say anything different or in addition to what he (or she) said?"

Applying the discussion. Application questions can be the most powerful part of your discussion. Help each member of the group verbalize how they will apply the Bible passage to their lives. Ask such questions as:

What one thing that was discussed tonight do you want to remember all week?
Specifically, how will your life be different this week because we studied this passage tonight?
What do you hope to do differently or more of based on what we talked about tonight?
In light of what we've learned tonight, does anyone here have anything they'd like to confess?
Build your group on a firm foundation of the Word of God. Study it, discuss it, and most importantly, apply the Word to your lives!

—Dave Earley and Rod Dempsey; excerpted from The Pocket Guide to Leading Small Groups. Published by TOUCH Publications, Houston, Texas. 1-800-735-5865

Evaluating group process

I found some more questions you can use to evaluate your group process. You can ask these questions to the group…

• How do we respond when truth is spoken?
• Does everyone feel safe to talk about their feelings?
• How well are we listening to each other?
• Are we free to say what we’re thinking (even when we have a differing opinion)?
• Is there anything that needs to be said in the group that hasn’t been said yet?

from ReGroup by Townsend, Cloud, and Donahue

Assessing your group

Every group ought to regularly assess their process of being together.

I have adapted an assessment created by http://Lifetogether.com called Healthy Members, Healthy Group from the Christianity Today website.

Take this assessment to see how your group/individual health measures up

Ask each person in the group to complete this by themselves and then discuss the results together during a group meeting.

1) How are you connecting with God's family?
What is the frequency of your interactions with other members in your group?
How vulnerable are you in regards to sharing your real needs?
What are some steps you can take to deepen these relationships?

2) How are you growing to be like Christ?
When do you spend time studying the Bible and in prayer?
Who do you talk to about what God is teaching you?
What are a couple of things you can do to increase consistency in this area? How much of your group time is spend on applying what you are learning?

3) Where are you serving?
What steps are you taking to figure out and develop your spiritual gifts?
How often do you pray for God to show you opportunities to serve others?
How can you serve within your small group?

4) How are you sharing your faith with others?
What opportunities do you have to develop relationships with non-Christians?
How often do you invite unchurched or unconnected friends to church or small group?
What could your group do to reach out to others together?

5) How can you surrender your life for God's pleasure?
What areas of life do you struggle with surrendering to God (health, decisions, finances, relationships, future, etc.)?
Which one of these areas do you want to focus on as you work toward surrender? What steps will you take?
What are some ways you can grow in worshiping God both corporately and privately?

Spiritual Friendships

Dear LIFE Group Leaders,

I would like to inform you about a special program that the Women’s Ministry team will be focusing on intently over the next couple months. The team is encouraging women at Crossroads to find someone whom they may already have a friendship with and start focusing on building a “spiritual friendship” with that person. If they don’t have a spiritual friendship that is okay, we can connect them with a spiritual friend. We have ordered a book that will direct and help start the process for the spiritual friendships. The book defines spiritual friendships this way:

“Ordinary friendships area generally characterized by intimacy, trust and mutual enjoyment of one another. Spiritual friends share those qualities of course, but are also characterized by another element: spiritual friends actively help us pay attention to God. Similar to the way other spiritual practices connect us to God, our soul friends help us sit with him. They have the capacity to help restore life to the soul.”

As you can see it is very important that we try to inform all Women of Crossroads Community Church of this opportunity. As we inform the Women of Crossroads about new opportunities, we also need to reassure our leaders and the women that these opportunities are not in replace of current LIFE groups, small groups, or discipleship. We would like to encourage the women who are in these groups to use the relationships that they have built within the LIFE groups, but take it a challenging step further.

If you could please make an announcement in your LIFE group about this opportunity, that would be greatly appreciated. Other announcements have been made and will be continued for those who do not attend LIFE or small groups. Please feel free to contact me with any questions or comments that you may have about our Spiritual Friendship initiative.


Shawnacy Miller
CCC Women’s Ministry Leader